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Did you ever ask yourself why you’ve ever suffered despite having done everything right?  After having an ultra-stressful week thanks to certain bottom-feeding scumbags that I had mistakenly allowed into my business circle, I had an epiphany that I would like to share with you.  Fortunately it only took me three decades to get to this conclusion, but it’s an important one.  If you’ve been experiencing any suffering whatsoever, I urge you to read on so that you can start feeling good again, take control of your feelings, and live an amazing life free from pain.

I’ll start with my own story.  Generally, I’ve always done things right in life.  I was born with intelligence and logic.  In addition to that, I spent years in school, always at the top of my class, never getting into trouble.  I always follow the law, have never been charged with a crime, and have never even received a speeding ticket in my entire life.  Financially, I am very conservative with my money and save well.  On the health side, I exercise regularly, and eat an ultra-clean diet, low in meats yet high in proteins and necessary nutrients – I have a clean bill of health.  I’m close with my parents and have a group of amazing friends.  

Despite all of this, I have found that there has been suffering in my life.  When I say “suffering”, I’m referring to any pain, anguish or stress – basically any negative feelings – that I have felt.  I realized there was a clear disconnect as this equation didn’t make sense.  It didn’t make sense that I experienced suffering when I was doing everything “right”.  I had to get to the bottom of this conundrum.

Don’t get me wrong.  My life is amazing and always has been.  I’m certainly not here to paint a bleak picture – I’ve travelled the world, was raised very well, and have lived a privileged life.  More importantly, I’ve never been one to live a “glass half-empty” kind of life, ever.  When things have gone wrong, I’ve always blamed myself because at the end of the day, even if someone else screws me over, my thought process is that it was my fault for letting them do so in the first place.  But wanting more answers, I decided to figure out what exactly was the problem, so that I could find a solution and live an even better life.  Enough was enough.   

PROBLEM

I found the problem right away:  I was suffering because of other people and for other people.  

Blame-game time.   Rarely, almost never in fact, was I feeling pain because of my own unilateral actions.  As a child, my suffering was caused by bullies at school who belittled me because of my skin color.  At home, I suffered without even realizing it, as I had a family member that experienced depression for years.  Even though the bullying ended around the age of eight, there was still pain thanks to the household situation.  In latter years, a crazy girlfriend with her own issues would cause suffering.  Now, as an attorney, I unfortunately found suffering all around me on a daily basis with overbearing clients trying to impose their poor life decisions on me not by simply hiring me to do legal work, but  by wanting me to emotionally share in their grief.  The final straw most recently was another attorney (not sure how he even has a license given his stupidity) who has spent his life making mistakes and yet blaming everyone else for his own incompetency and failures, desperately trying to draw innocent bystanders into his internal chaos.  I call him “Mr. It’s Not My Fault”.

For someone like me who is hyper-sensitive to people’s energies, these things are so emotionally draining and painful, that I found myself experiencing some form of suffering on a regular basis.  Because it happened so gradually, I never took an opportunity to realize what was going on.  As we adapt, feeling these negative emotions just became part of the job, or part of life, and I accepted it.  Until now.

What’s the point in “doing everything right” in life, if we have to suffer?  There is no point!  But yet, we often have to feel pain due to other people not doing everything right.  If someone else makes a bad decision they try their hardest to pull people into their suffering.  The really intelligent sufferers are very skilled at knowing who they can latch onto so they can actually dump their pain energy onto that person, so that you suffer while they carry on their merry way.  The problem with these kinds of people is that they are unknowingly master manipulators, always trying to bring other people down to bolster themselves up.  The other problem with these people is that they are always getting into problems!  Rarely are their issues isolated.  More often than not, if you look at their history, they have left a trail of bodies behind them and continue to do so:  poor family relationships, no close friends, ex-friends that hate their guts, ex-coworkers that want nothing to do with them, legal troubles…you name it.  And yet, in their eyes, everything happened to them, and none of it was their fault.  

CASE STUDY

Let’s use a psychotic legal client I had the displeasure of knowing in my legal practice.  She has made a history of burning bridges with almost everyone she has ever met.  In her bizarre mind, everything is everyone else’s fault – her husband left her because he was a jerk.  Her own daughter didn’t want to live with her and went to live with her dad (the ex-husband).  Then to top it all off, this client had voluntarily chosen not to work (not because of any disability or inability, just by choice), in nine years.  Finally, she had refused to pay her surprisingly small mortgage payment to the bank in something like four years – it was a miracle the bank let her stay in the house that long.  

Despite all of this however, in her mind everything was always everyone else’s fault.  Her husband divorcing her was because he was the bad guy, not because she had pushed him away with her intolerable behavior.  Her own daughter leaving her was not because she was overbearing or hell to live with, but because the husband brainwashed her (daughter) into leaving.  She had no friends because her friends are the crazy ones, not her.  And in typical blame-game fashion, her house was in foreclosure because of me, and not because she was too lazy to get a job and pay her mortgage.  

Yes, you read that right.  She hadn’t made a mortgage payment in four years, the bank wanted their house back, and somehow, that was my fault, even though I had just met her. Then as icing on the cake, even though I was the one that cleared my precious weekend schedule to prepare and file her case to save her home at her request, and even though I ultimately saved the home and she stiffed me on payment, she accused me of putting her into this mess.  Think I’m leaving anything out?  Nope.  She was just crazy, literally.  She didn’t need a lawyer, she needed a psychologist and likely a psychiatrist.

What was really happening?  This had nothing to do with me or her case.  She was trying to make me suffer for her.  Mentally, she is someone in constant pain mode or suffering mode.  She tries to find people who she can vent on, who will endure her suffering for her, so that she doesn’t have to.  Because of my sympathetic personality, she knew right away she could target me to try to shoulder the blame of her poor life decisions and her obvious mental problems.  And for one night, I suffered for her…and then I said NO MORE.  

SOLUTION:  HOW TO STOP SUFFERING FOR OTHER PEOPLE

STAY AWAY from these people.  Now.   Run.  Don’t look back.  Don’t reply to that text message.  Block their phone number.  Send their emails to the spam folders.  It is your God-given right to choose you let into your life.  Practice emphatically saying NO.

By saying “NO” to people’s behaviors, they will learn that you won’t tolerate their emotional abuse or be a receptacle  to do an emotional drive-by on you and make you suffer on their behalf.  There is nothing forcing you to have to listen to or take on other people’s problems.  Nothing.  It is an illusion that you have to change if you think you have an obligation “to be nice” by entertaining the things people try to impute on you.  The only one who will lose is you.  Every time.

Now I know what some of you are thinking.  I’m being overly militant, too extreme in cutting off everything that is going through something.  What about a friend or family member going through a hard time who needs help?  You’re probably thinking that you need to be there for them and support them or counsel them through a tough time.  And of course, you do.  Let’s be clear here and make the distinction as I’m not suggesting you turn your back on a child or friend in need.  Allow me to explain.

There is a marked difference between someone who is trying to make you suffer with them versus someone who needs a shoulder to lean on.  How does one discern the difference?  I’m about to get somewhat metaphysical on you in this explanation. 

SIGNS THEY’RE TRYING TO MAKE YOU SUFFER FOR THEM

When someone is trying to make you suffer it will be obvious now that you’re starting to awaken yourself to this phenomenon.  For one, you’ll feel it in your body when you’re around someone trying to make you suffer because you’ll start feeling stress, anxiety, and pain while they’re venting on you.  Your body will tense up, and you’ll feel as though you are the one physically and emotionally experiencing the negativity of the problem that they’re describing to you!!!!  

Secondly, the conversations with these people will rarely be rational or based on any logic.  As you monitor your dialogue with these people, you’ll find they are not listening to anything you’re saying, but moreso just engaged in a monologue with you at the other end.  Another facet of these emotional drive-bys, are that the speaker never takes any responsibility – everything is everyone else’s fault.  Your friend John calls you to yell about getting arrested for a DUI but he complains about how it’s the bartenders fault for serving him too much alcohol.  Or it’s the cops fault for pulling him over.   

Thirdly, the people that are trying to make you suffer will often argue with you, unnecessarily.  Even though they called you for help or you are their “friend”, they are trying to desperately start a fight with anyone they can, even if it’s you.  If you can get a word in edge-wise, they’ll start sparring and arguing with you even when you’re offering helpful suggestions.  Everything you say will be wrong.  Suddenly you’re the enemy.  Now you’re fighting with them in a two hour conversation with your ears steaming and you have a headache.  Meanwhile, they’re loving it.  They got to you and you are officially suffering for them.  They want other people to suffer for them and with them.  

While listening to these people, you’ll feel as though their problem is actually your problem even though your life is going great!  This is because they are purposely transferring their negative energy to you and you are accepting it into your life.  This is where the needless suffering begins.  I promise you, suffering for someone does not improve their situation – it only hurts you. 

On the other hand, you’ll know if you’re dealing with someone who genuinely needs advice or a shoulder to lean on during a difficult time because when you’re talking with them, you won’t feel any of those negative emotions described above, such as stress or anxiety.  While your friend is telling you about his girlfriend breaking up with him, there will be rationality to the discussion and a back and forth dialogue.  Your body will feel relatively calm, and although you may feel sympathy or empathy, you won’t feel negative emotions.    

Listen to your body while you’re interacting with these people – do you tense up or feel like hanging up because you can’t handle their drama?  I’ve had so many clients over the years in my legal practice that I can’t count how many times I wanted to throw my phone into the ocean to escape the drama these people were spewing to me, even though I was the one helping them!  But yet there I stayed with the phone glued to my ear feeling obliged to listen and absorb, my hands sometimes shaking, and my body feeling the effects of their private hell because  I let myself be the easy target.  The only one that lost was me.  

WHAT ABOUT FAMILY & FRIENDS

So what do you do if the offender is someone very close to you to whom  you have a moral duty or obligation? Certainly you can’t just turn your back on them.  I’m here to tell you that while you may not want to turn your back on them, you can still say NO, to the way they behave so that you put them in a position so that you can in fact help them.

By saying “NO” to certain behavior something interesting happens with these people, at least with how they treat you.  They become more obedient and respectful of you.  Instead of them conditioning you to absorb their hell, you actually condition them as to what your barriers are, and what you will tolerate.  Remember, this is your life, so you set the boundaries.  People will ultimately treat you as bad as you let them.  

When someone is acting crazy around you, walk-away.  Don’t be afraid to tell them they’re acting irrationally.  Now it’s your turn to make it a monologue instead of a dialogue.  I’ve often found treating people as they treat you often confuses them and takes them off course.  Let them know in no uncertain terms that you’d love to help them out, but that you’re not interested in talking with them until they calm down.  Remember though, these people often want to fight anyone so do not let them use your statements as an invitation to debate.  

As an example, after telling your friend to calm down, he replies:

“How can you say that!!!!!!  Don’t ever say that to me, I’m totally calm I just am getting screwed over by everyone and the world is against me!!!!!!!!  How dare you say I’m acting irrationally, I’m going through a tough time and my life is hell and you’d never understand!!!!!!!!  You’re such an asshole!!”

Your reply should never be to justify your remarks or to debate whether he’s really acting irrationally.  In doing this he or she is desperately trying to draw you in.  Don’t fall for it.  Walk away.  Turn around and walk away.  You can simply tell them you’re not able to speak to them right now and that maybe you can talk later.  If you engage with them, it will never end, I assure you.  But by taking control of the situation and saying “no” in whatever manner you can, you will gain respect.  When they do communicate with you later, you will hopefully find that they will be more respectful and calm so that you have actually put them in a position where they can now receive your help instead of giving you’re their problems and suffering.

And that is how you help someone to whom you have some sort of moral obligation.

CLOSING

This is going to take practice for all of us, but I am confident that this will absolutely improve the quality of your life over the short and long-run.  If you look back on your life and find that the pain and suffering you’ve endured has been at the hands of others, or because of other people’s problems and not yours, then you need to take action, now.  Every time you feel stress, you’re affecting your health and your long-term survival.

A big problem that I had and that perhaps many of you people-pleasers have is that we are afraid to say no.  We don’t walk away when we want to walk away.  We don’t hang up the phone when we probably should, staying on the line as though we’re magically tethered by some imaginary cord.  We are so worried about what the other person may think even though they are damaging us, that we wait for their storm to end so that they don’t feel insulted.  Basically this comes down to self-worth because you are putting the needs of someone else above yours with absolutely no benefit to you.  I want you to read this carefully:

NO ONE HAS A GUN TO YOUR HEAD.

No one is forcing you to absorb their suffering.  No one should be able to force you to be in a situation you don’t want to be in.  Are you worried a sufferer is going to sue you because you didn’t feel like putting up with their nonsense?  You shouldn’t be.   If you say no and turn your back on someone or hang up a telephone to preserve your sanity, are you worried that person will never speak to you again?  If that is how they would behave then you don’t want someone like that in your life in the first place.  Clear out the clutter and filter these people from your life.

At the end of the day, it is you and you alone that has to take responsibility for your own life.  Other people shouldn’t be controlling whether they can come in and out of your life – it is you that should be deciding who you let in and who goes out.  

It’s not your home that is your castle.  It is your mind that is your castle.  Your mind should be a peaceful sanctuary and in that regard your peace of mind is your actual castle.  Allowing others to be emotional terrorists in your life is absolutely no different than letting someone break into your house and ransack it, while you just sit on the sofa patiently waiting for them to leave so you can pick up the pieces afterwards.  Stop paying for other people’s mistakes and problems by suffering.  Once you let an emotional terrorist in, they’ll keep coming back to you as long as you put up with it, and their behavior usually gets worse and worse.

There is no time like the present to make these changes to your life.  For me, I am now diligently practicing what I am preaching to you.  I completely ignore certain people that try so desperately to tangle with me and make me feel their pain.  Because I’ve blocked them from my life via phone, e-mail and even social media, they can no longer access me if they tried.  Since I’ve done so, I’ve felt more peace than I have in years.  Much of that peace also comes from my increasing confidence in saying “no” to people without concern for what they may think.  While it certainly infuriates that select few, I’m proud to say that I couldn’t care less.  For others, like the lady facing the foreclosure, because I’ve made quite clear that she cannot communicate with me unless she is willing to speak in a civil manner and take responsibility for her own actions, she has now miraculously become extremely humble and respectful when she does contact me.  

Believe me, certain people want so desperately for you to lower yourself to the dirt in which lay they as they want you to get dirty with them.  It is my responsibility to make sure I stay high level in all aspects of my life.  For your own prosperity, it is also your responsibility.  Next time you feel anything negative or feel any sort of suffering, ask yourself who caused it?  If it was by your own doing, that’s one thing.  But if on the other hand you find your conflicts are born because of other people, now is the time to cut them out of your life.  

This is your life so don’t let other people live your life on their terms.  After all, what’s the point of doing things right in life, if you’re going to end up suffering from other people’s wrongs?

• dealing with difficult people
• emotional abuse
• emotional terrorist
• empath personality